Self-Care: My Understanding and My Struggles With It
Now more than ever, self-care has become an important element in the overall health of a person. There is an abundance of articles, studies, blogs, and advancements in technology that seek to aid us in making self-care a priority. All of these things tell us that taking care of the whole person, physical, mental, and emotional, is important in maintaining one's overall health. But, what exactly is "self-care," and why is it so difficult for me to embrace?
Self-care is defined in two ways. The first being, "the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one's own health." It is also, "the practice of taking an active role in protecting one's own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress." (https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/self-care) These definitions can mean a whole lot of different things to each person. Our basic, collective understanding of self-care can be narrowed down to this: preserving and maintaining one's own health. What does this really mean? Does it mean that we schedule nail, massage, and hair appointments? Or, do we treat ourselves to a shopping spree? I don't think so. Self-care literally means to take care of yourself. This means scheduling annual doctor visits and dentist appointments. It also means eating regularly and not on the go, or grab and go foods. It means being intentional about thinking of your overall health for longevity. We goal set, we push hard in our jobs, whether we are in the workforce or we are at home supporting our workforce partners. But what good is all of that, if we aren't stopping to take time to care for ourselves?
Self-care on a very basic level means that we are taking care of ourselves. We are better at scheduling maintenance for our cars than we are about scheduling "maintenance" for our mind and body. When we feel sick, it means taking time off to rest and recover so that we can work to our full potential. I know how hard this one is, I get it. I really do. Sometimes, that's just not possible. Especially if you are a single parent and the sole support for your household. When you can't take time off, you do what you can to care for yourself. Caring for yourself, especially in the case of a single parent, raises the priority to do so exponentially. Take cold medicine to be functional at work if you have to go. If you can't get physical rest, at least minimize the symptoms so that you are not also mentally taxing yourself. At home after work, empower your kids, and allow them to help you. I'm not saying that they need to take care of you. That's not what I'm saying. I am saying it's okay to enlist their help with chores and cooking if they're at the age where they can safely do these things. You are teaching them two things when you do this: 1) They are learning to see the needs of others and learning how to fill that need with the skills and knowledge that they already have. 2) By your example, they are learning to lean on others by asking for help when they need it. We all want our kids to see that we are amazing, super individuals that are invincible in their eyes. But is that good for them, long-term? By not allowing our kids to see that we are in fact human, we are planting the seed of lack in self-care that will grow with them, as they become adults. Thus, perpetuating the negligent self-care cycle.
Eating regularly also falls into the basics of self-care. We tend to fill our days with appointments and events, that eating sometimes takes a back seat. This leads to poor eating habits and unhealthy choices. We start gaining weight or we've been trying to lose weight, but the numbers on the scale aren't decreasing. I can personally attest to this one. In fact, I still struggle with eating regularly. I've never had weight goals and never really focused on my weight. I still don't. Make no mistake, I'm not stick thin or medically overweight. For me, my weight just isn't an issue for me. Aside from that, I sometimes get so busy that I just forget to eat. The hours in the day have passed and I realize that it's getting close to dinner and I haven't even had lunch yet. My appetite is pretty poor, so I don't really have a "hungry" setting to remind me to eat. This means that I have to be intentional about eating. Even though I don't feel hungry, I try to eat breakfast. I will admit that because of habit, breakfast and lunch are a struggle. I get caught up in making sure that my kids and my husband are eating that by the time we're sitting down to eat, I'm just not hungry anymore. I can say that although my eating habits are poor, I don't struggle with making healthy choices. I tend to lean towards vegetables and lean meats when I do make the intentional effort and time to eat. As I've gotten older, what happens to me is I get sleepy when I should be hungry. Knowing this, I've started carrying peanuts or almonds with me when I'm out and about so that I can give myself a boost to get to a place so that I can eat a meal, whether that's getting home or stopping somewhere to eat.
If we aren't taking care of ourselves when we are sick and we aren't eating well, then you can firmly say that we are running around exhausted. The nourishment piece is only just one contributing factor to the level of exhaustion that is felt. Keep in mind, we are also pushing ourselves in our jobs and support of the family system around us. This "pushing hard" is not restricted to gender roles or job types. Whatever it is in your world, it is also contributing to the exhaustion. This creates a cycle that supports habits that run contrary to the essential things that we need in order to take care of ourselves. This can directly impact our ability to get a good night's sleep and sometimes our grooming habits. Grooming habits lacking? Yes. Yes indeed. I can't tell you how many times I've been so exhausted at the end of the day that I have fallen asleep on the couch, with my work clothes still on. Did I get the rest I needed? Maybe. Could I have gotten better sleep if I had jumped in the shower, washed away the day, and then jumped into a comfy bed? Probably. In fact, sleep has always been a struggle for me. My brain has trouble winding down at the end of the day. So even still today, I shower before bed, climb into bed, and shut the lights off. Unfortunately still, I am still working on shutting my brain off for the night.
These basics of self-care require a level of self-awareness, in order for us to be intentional about the way in which we care for ourselves on a daily basis. Self-care isn't just a periodic thing; it is something that needs our attention daily. The trips to the spa, hair appointments, massages, nail appointments, shopping trips, those are just bonuses; they aren't necessary for maintaining your overall health. We do them because we feel good when we do it. If we were to be without all of that, we would still need to do the basic things needed to preserve and maintain our overall health and well-being. Think about that for just a minute. How often do you listen to your body and the signals that it is sending you, about the care that it needs? Believe me, even when your mental health is needing attention (even though you're telling yourself, "I got this!"), your body is sending you signals that it needs you to take care of it. It's easy to dismiss the signal that our body is sending us. But once you've allowed yourself to be self-aware of how your body and your mind are impacted by each other, it becomes difficult to ignore the signals. If you ignore the signals for too long, it ends up with you rationalizing away the aches, pains, and fatigue. These become so commonplace, that you begin to think that this is just how life is. In order to live fully, you have to not believe that this is just a part of life. Having to deal with extreme stress is not a normal part of life. For me to realize this, it took a trip to my doctor for a long-overdue general health physical. I had not been to a doctor for a physical for almost 10 years (yes, this includes forgoing getting a regular pap smear). You have to figure that something isn't quite right when your physician asks about your life, and while you're explaining to them what you do for a living and your family dynamics, they stop jotting down notes, tilt their head sideways, and says, "That's a lot of stress." This was the signal that I had been neglecting; my mental health was suffering.
Self-care on a very basic level means that we are taking care of ourselves. We are better at scheduling maintenance for our cars than we are about scheduling "maintenance" for our mind and body. When we feel sick, it means taking time off to rest and recover so that we can work to our full potential. I know how hard this one is, I get it. I really do. Sometimes, that's just not possible. Especially if you are a single parent and the sole support for your household. When you can't take time off, you do what you can to care for yourself. Caring for yourself, especially in the case of a single parent, raises the priority to do so exponentially. Take cold medicine to be functional at work if you have to go. If you can't get physical rest, at least minimize the symptoms so that you are not also mentally taxing yourself. At home after work, empower your kids, and allow them to help you. I'm not saying that they need to take care of you. That's not what I'm saying. I am saying it's okay to enlist their help with chores and cooking if they're at the age where they can safely do these things. You are teaching them two things when you do this: 1) They are learning to see the needs of others and learning how to fill that need with the skills and knowledge that they already have. 2) By your example, they are learning to lean on others by asking for help when they need it. We all want our kids to see that we are amazing, super individuals that are invincible in their eyes. But is that good for them, long-term? By not allowing our kids to see that we are in fact human, we are planting the seed of lack in self-care that will grow with them, as they become adults. Thus, perpetuating the negligent self-care cycle.
Eating regularly also falls into the basics of self-care. We tend to fill our days with appointments and events, that eating sometimes takes a back seat. This leads to poor eating habits and unhealthy choices. We start gaining weight or we've been trying to lose weight, but the numbers on the scale aren't decreasing. I can personally attest to this one. In fact, I still struggle with eating regularly. I've never had weight goals and never really focused on my weight. I still don't. Make no mistake, I'm not stick thin or medically overweight. For me, my weight just isn't an issue for me. Aside from that, I sometimes get so busy that I just forget to eat. The hours in the day have passed and I realize that it's getting close to dinner and I haven't even had lunch yet. My appetite is pretty poor, so I don't really have a "hungry" setting to remind me to eat. This means that I have to be intentional about eating. Even though I don't feel hungry, I try to eat breakfast. I will admit that because of habit, breakfast and lunch are a struggle. I get caught up in making sure that my kids and my husband are eating that by the time we're sitting down to eat, I'm just not hungry anymore. I can say that although my eating habits are poor, I don't struggle with making healthy choices. I tend to lean towards vegetables and lean meats when I do make the intentional effort and time to eat. As I've gotten older, what happens to me is I get sleepy when I should be hungry. Knowing this, I've started carrying peanuts or almonds with me when I'm out and about so that I can give myself a boost to get to a place so that I can eat a meal, whether that's getting home or stopping somewhere to eat.
If we aren't taking care of ourselves when we are sick and we aren't eating well, then you can firmly say that we are running around exhausted. The nourishment piece is only just one contributing factor to the level of exhaustion that is felt. Keep in mind, we are also pushing ourselves in our jobs and support of the family system around us. This "pushing hard" is not restricted to gender roles or job types. Whatever it is in your world, it is also contributing to the exhaustion. This creates a cycle that supports habits that run contrary to the essential things that we need in order to take care of ourselves. This can directly impact our ability to get a good night's sleep and sometimes our grooming habits. Grooming habits lacking? Yes. Yes indeed. I can't tell you how many times I've been so exhausted at the end of the day that I have fallen asleep on the couch, with my work clothes still on. Did I get the rest I needed? Maybe. Could I have gotten better sleep if I had jumped in the shower, washed away the day, and then jumped into a comfy bed? Probably. In fact, sleep has always been a struggle for me. My brain has trouble winding down at the end of the day. So even still today, I shower before bed, climb into bed, and shut the lights off. Unfortunately still, I am still working on shutting my brain off for the night.
These basics of self-care require a level of self-awareness, in order for us to be intentional about the way in which we care for ourselves on a daily basis. Self-care isn't just a periodic thing; it is something that needs our attention daily. The trips to the spa, hair appointments, massages, nail appointments, shopping trips, those are just bonuses; they aren't necessary for maintaining your overall health. We do them because we feel good when we do it. If we were to be without all of that, we would still need to do the basic things needed to preserve and maintain our overall health and well-being. Think about that for just a minute. How often do you listen to your body and the signals that it is sending you, about the care that it needs? Believe me, even when your mental health is needing attention (even though you're telling yourself, "I got this!"), your body is sending you signals that it needs you to take care of it. It's easy to dismiss the signal that our body is sending us. But once you've allowed yourself to be self-aware of how your body and your mind are impacted by each other, it becomes difficult to ignore the signals. If you ignore the signals for too long, it ends up with you rationalizing away the aches, pains, and fatigue. These become so commonplace, that you begin to think that this is just how life is. In order to live fully, you have to not believe that this is just a part of life. Having to deal with extreme stress is not a normal part of life. For me to realize this, it took a trip to my doctor for a long-overdue general health physical. I had not been to a doctor for a physical for almost 10 years (yes, this includes forgoing getting a regular pap smear). You have to figure that something isn't quite right when your physician asks about your life, and while you're explaining to them what you do for a living and your family dynamics, they stop jotting down notes, tilt their head sideways, and says, "That's a lot of stress." This was the signal that I had been neglecting; my mental health was suffering.
I can't express to you how much this visit saved my life. Before this doctor visit, I had believed that the levels of stress that I was under daily, over a prolonged period of time, was just a normal part of life. I truly believed that the level of stress that I was under, was the same as everyone else and that any thoughts that resulted from the exhaustion of stress, was normal. That just wasn't true. In fact, I had been living that way for the majority of my adult life, that I didn't even know that extreme stress was responsible for the stomach issues that I was having. I also didn't know what life was like without it. With therapy, which is still ongoing today, I have been able to experience what life is like without being so stressed out. First things first, when my stress levels began to decrease, my stomach issues began to go away. I learned that when I am under severe stress, my stomach will start acting up. I pay attention to this signal and use it to evaluate what is going on in my life; what can I control and what I can't. I also started sleeping much better and for longer periods of time at night. I still haven't been able to fall asleep long enough to dream, but I'm working at it every day; sometimes I'm successful, but most times I'm still trying. I'm okay with that. The physical exhaustion has not gone away completely, but there are fewer days in the week where I'm exhausted. As I mentioned earlier, I don't really have a "hungry" setting. That hasn't really changed. What has changed is that I do have a much better appetite than before, making it much easier for me to want to eat. This also changed when I began paying attention and addressing my mental health.
At the end of the day, self-care for me means being patient, kind, understanding, forgiving, and loving to myself, in equal measure as I would for those I love. If I can't care for myself in this way, how will I be able to care for those that I love? There is only one you in this life that should be loved by someone you think is important. That someone, should be you.
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